Voices of Our Clergy

Much of my life as a rabbi involves pastoral counseling on a wide range of issues: aging with dignity, grief and loss, illness and fear, finding comfort and strength in difficult times and through every age and stage of life.

Premarital counseling is also a significant facet of my rabbinate. I have officiated at 26 weddings within the past two years alone and have learned a great deal about how technology has radically reshaped the landscape of modern romance.

While I celebrate the unions I have the privilege of sanctifying, I lament hearing from dozens who have yet to find a mate and who are experiencing the digital-dating divide where genuine human connection is increasingly sacrificed for convenience and curated profiles. 

The casual places where people once met — churches, synagogues, hobby clubs, community events — have been replaced by the solitary glow of phone screens, an environment now even populated by sophisticated artificial intelligence chatbots.

This shift fundamentally changes how we approach finding a mate. We live so much of our lives online looking for faster operating systems and instant search results, so why not replace meeting people organically with swiping profiles?

Dating apps promise ease and efficiency. You curate the presentation of who you are and list what you’re looking for. No need to talk to me if you don’t match! The algorithm will decide if you even know I exist.

Ironically this has made the process of finding a lasting partnership much more challenging despite the industry’s self-congratulatory success metrics.

How well do profiles represent truth? Real relationships are inherently messy, requiring effort, vulnerability and navigating conflict.

The dating market now mirrors an economic phenomenon: a “winner take all” dynamic. A tiny fraction of people win the lottery and have lifetime financial security.

Few get into elite universities or get the jobs with top salaries or meet a CEO who wants to mentor them or serendipitously find the investor who brings their business success.

In the same way, it seems the vast majority of singles find themselves struggling while a small select group reaps the bulk of the attention and romantic opportunities.

This leaves a significant portion of the population feeling marginalized and overlooked. That feeling of never being picked for the team in PE class goes on steroids when it defines your adult relationships.

The marriage rate for straight couples is plummeting. A key factor is the lopsided dating pool in which women have soared ahead in education and career advancement, creating a profound gender imbalance in eligibility.

In past decades women depended on men for financial security, or even to open a bank account or a credit card. Things have changed. Currently women constitute about 60% of college enrollment, and they graduate at higher rates than men. This academic and professional success means they are entering the mate selection process with high standards.

For high-performing women, finding available men who meet their socioeconomic and emotional criteria is becoming exceedingly difficult.

On the flip side, many men are losing ground, particularly in the realm of emotional intelligence. It turns out women value kindness, empathy and self-awareness.

The criteria for selection are also starkly different between the genders.

A staggering 75% of women consider a potential mate’s economic viability to be “super important.” In contrast, only 25% of men place the same level of importance on a woman’s financial standing.

Women also maintain high physical standards. Statistics show that roughly half of women refuse to date a man who is shorter than they are or who earns less.

This confluence of factors concentrates romantic desirability, leaving a mere top 10% of men to receive the majority of attention and dates while the other 90% of men feel increasingly ignored and undesirable.

The influential New York University professor and podcaster Scott Galloway has articulated this as a genuine crisis for men and boys, focusing on their dwindling sense of purpose, community connection and personal identity in his book “Notes on Being a Man.”

He argues societal shifts have resulted in a failure to adequately guide and support young men, particularly those growing up in fatherless homes, leading to a “lost generation” lacking positive male role models and essential emotional support structures.

Through greater educational attainment, opportunities in the workforce, and rights, women’s lives have changed. As well they should. The statistics we see in the dating apps and the work of people like Scott Galloway shine light on how the shifts have impacted men and the way relationships form for both men and women.

A digitized world more generally has created a massive dating gap: women are searching for men who often exist only in idealized media portrayals while men feel the standards being set for them are utterly impossible to meet.

Can the gap be closed? Can real people who want satisfying relationships still find them?

A rush to digital sifting of potential mates runs counter to the fundamental nature of marriage, which is not about falling in love with perfectly matched profiles but about building love through shared struggle and sacrifice.

The frictionless environment of AI and online platforms, which offer no genuine struggle, cannot prepare couples for the inevitable challenges of a real, committed relationship.

Obviously at some point people have to meet and do the work of a relationship without the false expectation that an app eliminates anything hard.

The solution requires a dual approach, addressing both the immediate need for better meeting places and the deeper social crisis affecting young men.

Investing in their emotional intelligence, sense of purpose and connection is a moral and societal imperative. We need to level everyone up and not lose any more ground.

The most immediate and tangible step is to intentionally return to safe, in-person meeting spots that prioritize human connection.

Synagogues, churches and other houses of worship — or any dedicated community space — are sanctuaries where individuals can interact organically, free from the superficiality and pressure of the virtual world.

While I have no illusion that people will ditch the virtual, I am still hopeful for a return to physical sanctuaries, recognizing that a profile, a chatbot or a virtual girlfriend or boyfriend is a poor substitute for the complex, challenging and profoundly rewarding experience of real, embodied, time-tested human love.

Let’s start groups, join teams, organize events, extend invitations — make it easier for people to meet each other, tell their stories, laugh, share a purpose, look forward to something — and see if we can create some real-life meet-cute stories that don’t involve an app.